a lesson of faith
little babe at 6 weeks.
I have debated for weeks over sharing our story. I have examined my motives, what I would say. I have prayed for the right words. Prayed for strength in writing it out. There is nothing special about what happened, nothing that millions of women haven't experienced before me...but I feel beyond a doubt that the Lord is blessing my desire to share what I have learned.
We found out we were pregnant at the beginning of April. We were shocked, but stoked :) We didn't even wait....we started telling friends and then family pretty quickly.
I went to a MOPS retreat the first weekend in May. The day we got back, I started spotting. I know that it can be normal, so I wasn't freaking out....but I called the OB just to let them know and they had me go in to get some levels drawn. The first set was good. The second set, the numbers weren't high enough...which could suggest an impending miscarriage. That day, I let myself lose it. I cried, I secluded myself for the day. I needed not to have to be doing anything. The Lord has blessed me with amazing girlfriends out here. They were all over the prayer from the minute I started spotting. I was so comforted by that and their willingness to help if I needed it.
The following day, I spent the morning with the Lord. Praying through Psalms. Reading scripture to remind me that worrying won't solve anything (Matt 5:25-34), it doesn't hurt anything to ask God specifically what I would like the outcome of all of this to be (Phil 4:6-7), He wants me to come to him with every request, concern, worry, happiness; he wants to hear from me. I was overwhelmed by that realization during this time. I realized that for the longest time, I had been withholding talking to God about things because I felt they weren't worth it. In my mind, there are people experiencing far worse things in their life, what are my struggles and hurts compared to theirs?? But God wants me to come to him with all of it...not for His sake, but for mine. I needed to be talking to him. In this case, asking Him to spare our baby...no matter what, this time was going to be a lesson in faith and in trust.
We had an ultrasound for the following week. The day of was our last MOPS meeting. I was an emotional wreck :) I am so thankful I was there that morning because I needed to be surrounded by friends. About an hour before the US, I started bleeding. I met Nick at the OB and was just a mess. We got set up...the tech did her thing. Lo and behold. A baby. A heartbeat.
I was SHOCKED. It took me the entire day to take it in. I wanted to be happy, but because I was still bleeding, I couldn't let myself fully let go.
I spent the next week or so just praying. I didn't know how to feel. I had noticed that my "pregnancy symptoms" were lessening. I wasn't feeling sick. I wasn't as drop dead exhausted as I had been.
I had another appointment with the OB 2 weeks later. They did another US which showed baby still going strong. I still couldn't believe it. I wasn't feeling pregnant, but there she was....heart beating....just chillin' in there.
The next week, Nick and I were heading to the coast. He had to be there for work. I had this desperate urge to leave and go with him. We got a sitter for the kids. Off we went.
We had dinner that night (so yummy) and walked the pier. The next morning, I heard him leave. Not a minute later, I felt like my insides were being squeezed. That second I knew they weren't cramps...they were contractions. I was 9 weeks along.
I laid in bed for about 15 minutes, praying for it to stop. They got worse. I cried. A lot. I prayed. A lot. I prayed through Psalms (I was at a loss for words, but needed to say something). I eventually called the OB because the pain was so incredible. They said to head to an ER. Nick came back and got me. We headed out. Once there, we got settled. I got pain meds (thank you, Jesus). The ER doc did his thing. We were on our way home.
The next day, the kids and I met friends at the park (I was desperate to see them and desperate for some distraction). I started having the contractions again. We got home and I went into the bathroom. Baby passed. I was in shock for a second. I didn't know how to feel. What to do. In the Lord's mercy, He took care of it for me. Mason came in...looked in the toilet...and flushed it. I screeched from shock....but in the moment, I felt an incredible sense of relief. It was over.
I'm sharing this because every time I look back at those weeks, I am overwhelmed by God's faithfulness. We had a heads up that something might happen. When I realized I didn't feel pregnant anymore, I knew. I am so thankful for his mercy in that "heads up". Had I not had a strong desire to go with Nick (usually I stay home), I would have been at home without him when it all started. Call it coincidence....I call it mercy :)
He has been our strength through this. Both Nick and I have seen first hand our faithful and gracious He is. He has given us amazing friendships out here....friends who surrounded us with prayer. What an amazing comfort that was.
What I want people to see in our story is God's faithfulness. He was there the entire time. While things didn't turn out as we wanted....we came away with a stronger faith in Him. I came away with a huge lesson in patience and trusting Him.
I don't blame Him for losing our baby. I know that the majority of miscarriages happen because something is wrong to begin with. I find comfort in that too.
The week before we miscarried, I read the book "Heaven is for Real". I've never taken a stance on how I feel about stories like this....but it was an amazing comfort after we lost baby.
In the book....the little boy is playing with his mom a few months after his near-death illness. He makes a comment to his mom that he has two sisters. His mom is confused because he only has one sister. he says, "No....I have two sisters. You had a baby die in your tummy..." (pg 94). His parents had miscarried before he was born. They had never told him about it. The boy says that God adopted his sister in Heaven and that she looks a lot like his other sister. She didn't have a name yet because her parents had never named her. They didn't know the baby had been a girl.
I bawled when I read that after we lost our baby. People can debate all they want about whether or not miscarried/stillborn babies get to heaven. I believe they do. I laugh when I think that our little one is up there, thick as thieves with two of my friend's little ones....just like their mamas were when they were young. I love that my Grandpa Jensen gets to snuggle with her (based on conception date, I decided baby was a "she"....Adelyn named her Hailey). That she gets to hang out with her second cousin, Nash, while he shows her the ropes.
Look back at our story and tell me if you don't see the faithfulness and mercy of God. I pray that you do see it. I hope that you can praise Him through reading this. I hope that if you've lost a little one....either once or many times....that you allow the Lord to heal your heart and use your story to reach other hurting mamas. My heart breaks for the mamas who experience this for the first time, or multiple times. My heart breaks for the mamas who don't have a "heads up". It breaks for the mamas who have lost a child at any age! I'm so sorry for the pain you have had to experience. I am sorry you have to know what it feels like. But you guys, God is good; God is faithful and can ease any pain. He can use your story for His glory.
As for us, we are okay. There is still a twinge of sadness at times, but I'm not angry or bitter or depressed. I'm okay. We are okay. There is an overwhelming sense of peace knowing that God has had it in control this entire time. My faith in Him is stronger than ever. It's the kick in the pants I needed.
My heart is steadfast, O god,
my heart is steadfast;
I will sing and make music.
Awake, my soul!
Awake harp and lyre!
I will awaken the dawn.
I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations;
I will sing of you among the peoples.
For great is your love, reading to the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches to the skies.
Be exalted, O God, above the heavens;
let your glory be over all the earth.
psalm 57:7-11
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