a story of growth

This post is a jump away from the regular Adelyn updates and what nots. My mind has been spinning this morning and I've just been praying and talking to God the last few hours. I feel the awful taste of bitterness creeping up in my throat again. This happens every once in a while and I feel like this time, I need to share with everyone. Not to cast blame or display the yuckiness under a magnifying glass, but to share b/c we are not perfect and this is something that has had an immense part in shaping my heart.
At the end of February 1996, it was a Saturday morning. My dad came home after being gone for 3 days and announced he was leaving for another woman--his secretary, Lori, to be exact. I was 12, 3 weeks away from my 13th birthday. My dad was the man in my life. He was leaving. Tears are welling my eyes as I remember it even now. That was and is still to this day the most painful thing I have ever experienced. What made it harder was that no one had any clue this was coming. My dad's dad had past away about a year or so before and I knew he was changing. He quit coming to church, he wasn't as cheerful, he started smoking again (and hiding it from us even though I KNEW he was doing it)....then around October of 1995 I remember he just seemed to be a different person. He started coming home later.....I remember overhearing my mom on the phone one day saying "I just think he's fighting the Holy Spirit and he doesn't know where to start"....those 3 days he didn't come home my mom's answer was either he was working late or he was out playing pool at a bar (years later I asked her and he had been at Lori's place and one of those nights he had called and said he was divorcing her).
This started the crushing journey and transformation. I became the bitter and ticked off teen. I hated my dad for leaving us and hurting my mom. I hated his mistress for leaving her family and breaking up mine. My brothers would go visit every Tuesday and E/O weekend...but I wanted NOTHING to do with him. I made up excuses and fought tooth and nail not to have to go....and I won 99% of the time. I think my mom was just so emotionally exhausted from the whole thing and then on top of now raising 4 kids basically by herself (b/c I mean come on, parenting is a full time thing, not once a week and E/O weekend) that she didn't have the energy to fight me too much on it. This went on for years. I eventually started visiting my dad more often but I never stayed the night.
That following summer, I remember my mom getting ready "to go out" one night. I asked her where and eventually she broke down and said she had a date with my dad. I was so excited.... fast forward a few more weeks....we went to counseling (I hated it) and one day my dad was there, so it was the 6 of us again. I remember my dad getting teary and saying he was sorry and the counselor asked if I could forgive my dad and I said "I guess". I was still so angry with him, but I desperately wanted him to come back...I didn't know what to do. Fast forward another few weeks...after all of this my dad decided he wasn't going to come back and he wanted the divorce.
That clinched it for me. I was done. I had lost my dad...this man wasn't the dad that I knew. 8th grade was hard for me that year. I remember in youth group one night they were talking about dating and how dad's should be "screens" for their daughters. I remember being so bitter that I wasn't going to have that. My dad should be there to screen dates for me and protect me and be an example of a husband....and he wasn't.
About a year later, my dad and Lori broke up. I was so happy b/c I couldn't stand to be around her. What gave her the right to steal a wife's husband? A daughter's dad? A son's dad????
My mom's sisters and my grandparents were amazing and really helped out a ton. My Uncle Russ and Aunt Laurie I remember came down alot to help with house stuff and help my mom out. I remember sitting with my mom and Laurie and just listening to their conversations about how the Lord is so much bigger than divorce and how despite the situation, He is a good God.
My mom grew in her faith by leaps and bounds during the following years. I remember getting up at 5:30am for school and she'd be up sitting and reading her bible, talking to the Lord. I saw that and began to realize that that was what was getting her through this whole thing. My anger eventually faded to bitterness. Despite everything, my mom forgave my dad.
My junior year is when my faith became my own. I made a conscious decision to accept and live for Christ. I talked to my mom alot about forgiveness and she said to me one day "there are still days when I get angry with your dad for what he did. I forgive him for what he did to me, but it's what he did to you kids that I have to continually forgive him". That was amazing to me and I realized forgiveness is something that isn't a one time thing. You have to do it everyday. I have to forgive my dad DAILY b/c the pain and bitterness still rise up sometimes (like today) and I have to forgive him.
My freshman year at Central College I needed a seasonal job while i was home over winter vacation. I decided JCPenneys would be good (and they were the only ones hiring) :) I was at training one night and the people kept saying they were waiting for one more person to show up and she was going to be late b/c she had another job....an hour later in walks LORI. I froze. I know she saw me. She looked me, her eyes flickered, but she didn't say anything. Thankfully they were having a break, so I immediately left and found a secluded spot and started bawling. I never thought I'd have to see her again....and here she was being hired to the same department I was. I was going to have to WORK with her! I called a dear friend of mine (I couldn't bring myself to tell my mom yet) and bawled out the whole story....he encouraged me and reminded me that I needed to just love her...despite how much I wanted to hit her...and I needed to forgive her too. I went back and didn't say anything to her....I just sat there thinking about what he said, knowing he was right, and praying that God would give me the strength not to rip her hair out. Needless to say, she never showed up to work and I actually felt bad b/c she obviously needed the job since she was already working and still applying to work at JCP.
So where am I going with all of this? My parents divorce shaped me. I grew so much learning about God's grace, forgiveness and love. I learned early on that marriage is one of the hardest things a person can ever choose to embark on! I remember a few weeks ago, a friend of mine said, "Abby, I was surprised you didn't walk away a more cynical person, especially regarding marriage and men" and she is so right. Many people who experience divorce start to view marriage as a sham or something that's not even worth it...I think that's where Nick and I have had a one-up on alot of young married couples, we knew going into it the sobering realities of divorce and it wasn't going to be easy and it was going to be one of the hardest things ever....no fairy tales that's for sure :)
By God's grace alone have I come to where I am. I often wonder what would have happened if my dad wouldn't have left and my mom wouldn't have sought the Lord for her strength and comfort? Would we be the family who just goes through the motions? Would we just be going to church on Sunday and joining the rest of the World during the week like most Americans??
Days like today are hard. I hate that my parents are divorced. I hate that I didn't have my daddy there through my teen years. But God has blessed us through that. I love my stepdad and stepmom. I have a relationship with my dad again. (He and my stepmom accepted Christ last year and the change has been amazing. Praise God for his faithfulness!) I grew to trust the Lord and seek Him b/c He is the only one who will not fail me. I am more solid than ever in my commitment to my husband.
But the bitterness still rises at times and I go through the last 13 years in my mind again....and again I forgive my dad and thank the Lord for not letting me fall through the cracks.