I'm sorry, I pray, I'm thankful.

A year ago this Wednesday my cousin's sweet baby boy, Nash Adam Sievers, went to be with our Lord.
I never met him, he was 6 months when he passed away, but I fell in love with him through their pictures. This picture is one that I would show people and it just made me laugh. I love the expression on his face and he is just the cutest thing ever!
I remember being at the funeral and just feeling heart broken for Brad and Tracy and Nash's big brother, Tate. I knew I could in no way understand the pain they were going through (and still have to this day)...but I remember praying that God would heal their hearts and that Nash would forever live in their memories.
Today I was reading Tracy's blog and just crying (as I usually do when I read her blog). She is so transparent and amazing at putting her thoughts and emotions into words. I was holding Adelyn while I was reading it and the more I read, the tighter I held onto her. Being a new mom, the thought of losing my child makes me sick. Adelyn is near the same age now as Nash was (their birthdays are 4 days apart) and I can't even convey the emotions that pass through me.
We are going to Storm Lake this weekend to be with our family for the Fourth. I haven't seen Brad and Tracy since Nash's funeral. I'm excited to see them and Tate, but I can't help but feel guilty. Guilty that my sweet girl is here with me, that able to squeeze her tight and kiss her chubby cheeks and look at her beautiful face.
I'm so sorry that they had to experience this unfathomable pain. I'm so sorry that they know what it's like to lose a child. I'm so sorry that they will have to remember July 1 in this way for the rest of their lives. I'm so sorry that they are hurting.
I pray that they will find peace in the Lord. I pray that through the tears they can love and comfort each other. I pray that they will never forget the precious memories of their sweet boy.
I'm thankful that he is--as someone once put it--crawling around in heaven :) I'm thankful for the memories that they do have of him. I'm thankful that God is a big God and He is bigger than any hurt and pain they feel.
I have no more words and I will stop trying to find them. Brad and Tracy, I'm sorry for the pain you have been through this last year. I pray that you will have peace this week. I love you both.

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Happy Father's Day (one day late)

Happy Father's Day to all you new dads, dads to be, and veteran dads! :)
Especially to my amazing husband. You are an incredible dad. Addy and I are so blessed by you. We love you so much!

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not much to say

I know it's been a while since I've "written", but I don't have a lot to say right now.
Nick is in Utah right now with a small group of people from church to share the gospel with Mormons. Adelyn and I went to stay at my Mom and step-dad's Monday until today b/c I had to work Tuesday and Wednesday, so it was just easier to already be at their house instead of having to make the trek from Ankeny to Clive at 6am those 2 days. It was nice to spend some time with them.
We are back at home now and I'm just lonely. Our neighbor, Bekah (her husband, Zeb, and Nick are like BFFs:) and her 9 week old daughter, Claire, were going to come over for a bit tonight while, but I haven't been feeling too great today and had a bit of a temp, so I told them to stay home....bummer...
Do you ever have those "dark" times (I can't think of a better way to put it...) when you don't have the desire to spend time with the Lord? It's SO easy to get stuck in the routine of your days and the last thing you want is "one more thing".....I'm at that point right now...I've been there for a while to be honest. I can't remember the last time I sat down with my bible and just read and talked to God. I do the little prayers throughout the day when I'm frustrated, impatient, thankful, happy.....the "emotional" prayers I guess you could say...but my heart, mind and soul are dry and desperate for the water Christ provides.
I suppose I'm putting this out there not only to let y'all know that I'm having a hard time, but also b/c I know some might keep me accountable on disciplining myself... :)
I guess I can stop there :) I don't know what else to say. I'm tired and should probably head to bed. I'm having Adelyn sleep in bed with me....I've never liked it when Nick is gone...and having her there in the same room is a comfort for me...kinda funny huh? :)
Anyway...
goodnight.

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more fun

We spent this last week in MN with Nick's family for his and Alan's best friend's wedding. Alan and Nick were busy most of the week with groomsmen stuff, so Adelyn and I spent most of the time with Steph and Ardyce (Nick's mom). We had a great time and as always it ended way too soon. Above are pictures from the wedding (the naked baby picture is from Adelyn's blowout on the way home yesterday). Steph took some pictures of Adelyn on Thursday afternoon while we were on a walk in Wayzata (below). At the wedding, I had Adelyn propped up on a ledge and Nick took a bunch of pictures b/c she looked so cute...so I had to share those with you too...We had a great week as busy as it was....we always have a hard time saying goodbye and are looking forward to seeing everyone again soon....although the next time we see Alan and Steph, they'll have their sweet baby girl! :) (not that we're super excited or anything) :)

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Not Me Monday

Okay, I am joining the fun. I've been following this blog for a while and she is so funny and transparent. I love reading her "not me" blogs....I decided I'd join in the fun and share my imperfections and moments most people would never think of sharing :)

Friday afternoon I DID NOT keep turning the dryer to "air fluff" because I just did not want to fold the laundry.

I definitely jump to my child's every cry and NEVER turn off the monitor so I can have just a few more minutes...or seconds...of quiet before I get her up.

I did not leave the candle on my counter burning--even though I knew the wax was almost gone--leaving a little burn spot that I have effortlessly hidden with another candle.

I did not forget to change my daughter's diaper at 3am Saturday morning when she woke up to eat because I was not so tired I couldn't even keep my eyes open. She did not wake up again at 7am with the heaviest wet diaper I have ever seen.

I am not waiting until the absolute last minute to pack for MN this week because I do not hate packing for long periods of away time.

I am not feeling slightly relieved that it's not me alone with my daughter in MN. I am not feeling glad that he's finding out what my days can be like when I didn't talk to my husband and he said she is not sleeping very well for him.

I did not stay up until 2am this morning because I missed my husband and daughter. I did not lock my bedroom door because did not think someone was going to try and break in. I did not sleep with my closet light AND bedside lamp on because it did not make me feel better.

I did not spend 5 minutes this morning trying to remember what day it was and whether I was supposed to work or not.

I am not just hanging out today because I did not get called off work AGAIN and I am not reading the Twilight books again because there are other things I need to be doing...like laundry, cleaning, packing...

NOPE. NOT ME. NEVER.

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