ugh....take two....

I've always had an issue with sometimes thinking too much--beyond considering others thoughts and feelings when making decisions that may involve them --about what other people are thinking. I worry what they'll say when I make a decision..."what would they have done?" "what are they thinking?" "are they upset with me?" Usually it involves something little like the color I painted my living room, or how short I cut my hair...or other times it's something a little bigger like how we are raising our daughter [Santa or no Santa? ;) Spanking or no spanking? Sign language or no sign language? Sugar or no sugar? etc....but that's all another topic that I will probably never blog about again b/c I tend to get myself into too much trouble ;) haha]
...anyway...always worrying about what everyone else is thinking...it's exhausting sometimes!
My decision to go on my fruits and veggies fast was no different...I worried what people were thinking about it and I KNOW I made it into a bigger deal in my head that it probably was...
Denying my body other foods is something I need to do....to force myself to rely on the Lord to give me the self control and teach me the discipline that I need. I know some people may think what I'm doing is ridiculous or over the top...and I am tired of worrying about it! Don't get me wrong, I am NOT blaming others for my failure. I'm blaming myself for letting what I think others are thinking effect me to the point where I would rather not do this and let it go. I can't please everyone.....although it would be FANTASTIC if I could! ;) But I can't.....so I need the Lord and this is something I need to do whether or not you think I'm crazy (which I very well could be).
Well, here's the thing...I have failed MISERABLY.
The first week was okay...I ate alot of carrots and pears and bananas and corn and peas and green beans :)
Then the weekend came and I was CRAVING some sort of sugar or carbohydrate. I began to reason with myself, "maybe if I just take one day a week to indulge my craving to keep me from losing it a few more days in"....then the week followed and I threw the whole thing out the window...I ate what I craved. I would think twice, eat what I wanted, then feel guilty.
The realization finally hit me.....NO! No compromise. No "fun day". No No No No No....that's not the point of this. I need to be the extreme...for me. I need to be broken down in front of Him because I cannot do this on my own...
The last few days have been more of a reflection of what a weak person I am...and how much more I need the Lord.
The point of a fast is to use the time to really put yourself at the Lord's feet in prayer and time with Him. I didn't. The point of a fast is to rely on the Lord to help me when it gets NOT EASY. I didn't. Tears are welling in my eyes b/c I know that I have failed Him and broken my promise--this covenant--I made with Him that I would do this.
In case you didn't know...a covenant is a big deal. (read Our Covenant God by Kay Arthur...it will completely change your perspective about making "promises" especially with the Lord)....
This has been a jumble of my thoughts. I wanted to share b/c I want people to know how weak I am on my own...how much I need the Lord...and I want Him to be glorified in this. My prayer is that others will see how His mercy and His grace are going to pull me through this...I mean come on, He's GOD...I'm only human...I'd be crazy--INSANE--to think that I could do this without Him...I mean HELLO...I only barely made in ONE WEEK! I'm starting over again....the next 4 weeks I'm leaning on God because I NEED HIM.
So here I am again...on my knees...saying "Lord, I know this is ridiculous to alot of people, but it's something my heart needs. This is something I need to do for myself. I need You more than anything and I'm realizing it more everyday. Thank you for chipping at my heart. Thank you for your grace. Let me do this right this time".