thinking...

Adelyn is napping...I just finished cleaning...and my head is full of thoughts.
I need to process and since my husband is busy and I just don't like the phone, whoever reads this gets to be my "listener" :)
Most who know me know that I have sort of a relationship "phobia"...and I don't like it at all...to me, it's easier to keep people at arms length so that when they're gone (death or gone somewhere else) the pain won't be so bad. Weird, huh? I haven't always had this, but after a few heart breaks and losing some of the closest people to me (my dad leaving, my grandpas and grandma T. dying...transferring colleges a few too many times and close friendships fading away...) it just sort of happened. I hate the nauseating pit in your stomach of heart break and the PAIN of losing someone to death and knowing you never get to hug them again...I don't want to experience it if at all possible. I know, how selfish, right? I completely agree and want to change it so badly. It affects my marriage and I know it's going to affect Adelyn if things don't change. I really do enjoy meeting people and making relationships, but I can't seem to get passed this barrier of fear. I know that I probably won't get to being as much of an extrovert like I used to be...but I hate that I've turned into this hermit who needs coaxing to come out.
I understand that it will take time for me to get out of this...I know that it's going to be a daily battle...I know that one way or another, I'm going to lose someone I love and it's going to be painful, but I want to remember that we have the Hope that Christ has given us...and I want to be content in that...
so thank you for those of you who have been able to love me despite my hesitation to get close...please be patient...I really want to work on this...
Okay, next topic...
I realized a long time ago that "I don't know" is sometimes the best answer you are going to get. Whether it's medicine, religion, figuring out why your kid suddenly is screaming their head of...
Unfortunately I see it a lot at the hospitall and it's hard to tell a patient that there is no explanation for why they are having this pain, etc... I think some people have this expectation that the Dr. can fix anything and they are incompetent if they can't figure it out...that's not the case at all! Science is not flawless, I think alot of times instead of answering questions, it leads to me.... however, there have been incredible leaps and bounds and we can't forget that, but at the same time, people need to stop putting all their eggs in one basket when it comes to science and medicine.
Discipline is probably the hardest thing about parenting for me...Adelyn is one and I know she's starting to understand more about what is right and wrong. I expect obedience from her, but at the same time she's only a year old. I know she's going to test her boundaries and we need to be consistent in telling her "no" and doing time-outs (which have been quite interesting, by the way). I'm not ready for spanking, yet, but I have had to smack her hand a few times (which I hate doing) and that has worked pretty well....but it's still hard. I can't stand her sad face...it breaks my heart when she starts wailing and comes over to me and hugs my legs after I put her in time out...but it is encouraging when she stops after the first "no" or when she knows she is in trouble when we stick her in the corner...maybe we are doing something right?
In other news...I have a bunch of errands this afternoon and I really really don't want to leave the house...but we have no food and I think Nick wouldn't be thrilled if he came home to an empty fridge and sparse pantry :)
...AND my cousin and his wife had their 3rd baby boy this morning! :)